Alright so tonight in the the prayer room Jesus gave me a crazy revelation of his grace! I am so pumped! The base has been really focused on grace lately as Mike is taking us through a series on it. So much knowledge has gone into my head about God's grace and I guess I hadn't even realized that it had not completely hit my heart yet! Not that it has now either. But He has allowed me to touch the hem of his grace and I can't wait to discover more!
I need to quickly fill you in on a few facts about myself so you will understand the depths of certain parts of the vision. 1. I do not do well with cold. Some people say their true selves come out in the crazy heat...for me it's the crazy cold! Sometimes I am blown away that I have survived nineteen years worth of winters...thank Jesus for Kansas winters! Woo! 2. I am a crazy Christmas lady!!! No grinch side found in me...I listen to Christmas music year round and everything from the cheesy decorations to the endless food to the huge gifts under the REAL tree. (No mom a white Christmas tree is still not a Christmas tree!) 3. I have struggled with depression in my past. This is a generational sin passed down in my family on both sides and a struggle that I am convinced I will have complete victory over VERY soon :) Tiny side note number 4...This past winter ended a very hurtful relationship for me and I've been telling God that I really should be called to celibacy :) he hasn't been listening. He has made it more then clear that that is not my portion. It took him showing me that I would be closer to Him if I let my guard down to the idea of getting married someday. All I want is to be closer to Him!
Alright here we go! Jesus brought me back to when I was a kid...it was a -40(C) day and I was playing outside in the dark. In the vision I was extremely cold (like always) and all I wanted was to go inside. All I wanted to do was to be by the fire with my family and friends. I wanted to hear the Christmas music and be around the crazy cheesy decorations and bright happy colours. However in my mind I couldn't go inside. I didn't even bother to try the door to see if it was unlocked, I had zero hope in my heart that the people inside would have joy in seeing me. I felt as if my portion, my inheritance was simply to stay outside in utter hopelessness. Jesus showed me that was life before I committed my life to wholeheartedly seeking Christ. After giving Him my everything he showed me smiling and reaching up to the door handle. I opened the door with great effort and stepped inside. The warmth swept over me and the music began to sooth my rapidly beating heart. I smelt the food and felt the buzz of my family and friends. Joy began to fill my heart and I giggled and giggled until I lifted my hands to cover my face from my loud giggling! When I removed my hands everything had changed. I looked down and I was a grown woman. I looked around and all the decorations were gone, their was no music, no food and no people. I began to look up, down and all around in hope of finding one Christmas tree ball, or maybe one crumb of left over turkey. Nothing. I stepped into the living room and to my delight there was the smallest display of Christmas items. It was tucked into a corner and so small that no matter how hard I tried I could not only focus on the Christmas stuff. I always saw the dark and dreariness around it. I tried so hard to step into the centre of the stuff and close my eyes and act like I was in the midst of the buzz and excitement again. I couldn't do it! I tried again and again and again but it was hopeless. Finally I stepped back with tears in my eyes and cried out 'Jesus why can't I have Christmas anymore?' He spoke to my heart that that little corner of Christmas items was me in my weakness attempting to be a Christian. That was how many awards I had, how many righteous and holy decisions I had made. I became so embarrassed and depressed in my spirit and I asked Jesus how this was ever going to work. How could I ever live a victorious, joy filled life if that was all I had managed to savage together when I am working as hard as I can to live in the fullness of Christ. Suddenly the room started filling up again. Just like before! The music, the decorations, the tree. I had a ring on my finger and a husband at my side. I was so full of joy and I knew in my spirit that my depression had completely departed from me. I asked Jesus 'well what happened here??' He said that this was me fully accepting his grace. It was me allowing him to rid me of my independence and fully relying on him to make myself beautiful, clean and perfect in the Father's sight.
I sat their in my chair in the prayer room silently crying as I just spoke aloud that I was from now on going to completely let go and accept God's grace. I can't do this on my own, I need him so badly. I need him to allow the Father to see me as perfectly pure and holy. With Jesus covering me I look perfect, pure and holy! I need him to help me make righteous decisions when in my immaturity I have no idea what is right! I need him more then anything because I am a weak child who can't live this 'Christian' life for one second. Immediately I felt a freedom hit me that I have never felt before. Or at least never to that depth. I just sat their for an hour soaking it in. I want to live in this forever. Knowing that me, myself and I have no chance. If it was up to me I would be dead in my sin. But Jesus is in love with me and cannot wait to take me home to be his bride. And I can't wait too!!
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